Home Again, and the Story of What Happened

Well, we're home! We've been back since Friday afternoon, but I haven't really been on the computer since then. Busy with life and everything else that goes along with it. I'll post more about our vacation later this week.

First off, I just wanted to thank everyone for all their kind, wonderful, sweet, and supportive comments. You all brought tears to my eyes. Thank you.

I'm doing ok. I've been through a whole myriad of emotions over the last week and a half. I'll probably do a few posts on this topic this week, but I won't be going on and on and on. I just need to get some stuff out there.

Here's the story. I had my first prenatal checkup with Laurie on Tuesday. Even though it was a little early (I was just over 9 weeks), we decided to try and find Baby's heartbeat. We were able to catch it for a few seconds two or three times. It was awesome. That's one of my favorite moments in each pregnancy, the first time I can hear the baby. I was so excited! I had seen a friend of mine, Melissa, on Thursday evening. She came out on Friday to have lunch and go to the Farmers' Market with us, and when she got to my casa, she told me that I looked a little tired or something. I felt a little tired, but didn't think much of it. Hello! I've got three young kids, the youngest being a very talented climber. I'm usually a little tired! :)

But in retrospect, I was feeling much more tired than normal. I took a nap that afternoon, fixed supper, picked John up from work, and didn't think much else of it. Then I started spotting that evening. I was pretty freaked out, because I've never done that before the last few weeks of a pregnancy. I didn't tell John yet. I tried to lay down and get some sleep that night, but I was too worried to sleep very well. I woke up every hour and a half to two hours all night, and my spotting was getting heavier and heavier. By the time I got up and made coffee on Saturday morning, I wasn't spotting anymore, I was bleeding. John knew something was wrong as soon as he looked at me when he woke up, and I told him. We just sat there for a minute, and he told me I needed to not pack anything (keep in mind we were about to leave for a week Monday morning, and nothing except the food buying was done), just to call Laurie as soon as I got back home and let him know what she said.

We took John to work, and by the time I called Laurie, I was sure what was happening. I had started cramping mildly. Laurie confirmed over the phone what I was thinking, and I let the kids eat breakfast while they watched a movie-a big treat around here. I laid down for a while, realized I wasn't going to start feeling any better, and called my precious friend Kristie. As soon as she said hello, I told her I was cramping and bleeding. Having gone through two of these herself, she knew exactly what was going on, and told me to bring the kids over to her house for the day (I had told her I needed to go by Blockbuster to get a movie to distract me for a while). The kids were at her house all day, and she called me to let me know that she was going to get John when his shift was done, and bring everyone home so I didn't have to go out again. (I love her. Seriously.)

I sat on my couch and cried all day. Not the 'I'm so depressed, my world is ending, I want to sit in a dark room for months' kind of crying, but more of an 'I'm really freakin' sad, and this just sucks, and I had no idea this movie was so sad (yet awesome)' kind of cry. Kristie brought my crew home, and John and I sat the kids down and told them what was going on. We explained it like this: what happened is God's way of taking care of Baby. If he (or she) had been born, he might have been hurting, or sick, or just had something very, very wrong. He might have even died as a baby, and as sad as this event we were currently experiencing was, that would have been far worse. As it is now, Baby is already in heaven with his Father, and he'll never know pain or suffering. (Sam, my little theologian, asked if we though Baby was a baby or a man with God, and I told him I wasn't sure, but that we would find out one day. :) )

The kids went to bed not long after that, and John and I just hung out on the couch. Melissa called to ask if she could take the older two kids to church in the morning, since John was working, which I agreed to before she could get all the words out of her mouth.

Laurie had told me I was far enough along (10 weeks) that I would know when it actually happened, and she thought it would probably happen Saturday night or Sunday morning. It didn't. Melissa took the kids to Sonic after church, and David and I just hung out on the couch all morning and watched movies and gardening shows. All the kids took a nap soon after they got back, and I did, too. Becky, my friend whose family came on vacation with us, called (I had let her know what was going on Saturday) and told me she was in town, and since she had to pick something up from me anyway, why didn't she just bring John home, too?

On the way over, she and John talked and decided that if it was ok with me, she would just take all the kids home with her, and they would spend the night at her house. (Yeah, I was ok with that!!) That turned out to be the biggest blessing of the whole weekend, because it happened later that evening.

It was the strangest thing I've ever experienced. I went through a mini-labor, fairly painful contractions and all. After it happened, I laid down on the couch and completely lost it for about 20 minutes. John just sat with me, and held me, and let me cry (and he cried a little himself. But don't tell him that I told you). When I had calmed down enough to speak again, I told John that I had hoped it wouldn't happen. Yes, logically I knew and had accepted what was going on. I wasn't trying to fight it, and I knew it was for the best. But there was still a little part of me that had hoped that it was all a mistake, that maybe it was all a coincidence or a fluke. When I told him that, I found out that he had kind of been hoping the same thing, too.

It was the worst weekend of my life, and one of the best, too. The support and love people gave was wonderful. John was nothing short of amazing, and we've bonded in a way that we didn't know existed.

So I'm doing ok now. I get a little sad, and I still have to take it somewhat easy, physically, but I'm doing ok. I went to the Farmers' Market on Saturday, and the guy that drives in from Fredericksburg with peaches totally flirted with me and gave me two extra peaches, so that was a nice little end to my week. :) I told John, and he asked me if I wanted him to beat the guy up and I said thanks, but no, because then I couldn't get peaches anymore, and I really like peaches. But I digress. We would really appreciate your continued prayers, because this whole thing is a process, and it's not over yet. I don't know if it ever is completely over. But that's just life.